Find something other than a hammer!

Maslow said that everything looks like a nail when you only have a hammer.

Parents who, up until now, only gave hidings might feel lost when it comes to disciplining their children. Perhaps you don’t know another way or have no alternative strategies? Spanking teaches children not to repeat something, but fails to teach them the correct behaviour for the future. Punishment says NO, but not much else.

FOR EXAMPLE: Your child took (without permission) a packet of chips from the cupboard, ate it on his bed and made a mess with fatty stains everywhere. You gave your child a hiding for taking chips without your permission, for eating in his room and for making a mess. Thereafter you cleaned everything up in a rage.

ALTERNATIVE: You let your child fetch the vacuum cleaner and vacuum the remaining chip pieces. He has to remove the bedding and replace it with clean linen; pay R5 from his pocket money for the extra laundry and pay double for the replacement of the packet of chips (almost like Zacchaeus).

Does the alternative work better than a hiding? CERTAINLY! Your child learns to clean up after himself, to make his bed, appreciation of what the cleaning of a house entails and that stealing will cost him doubly.

Expand your toolbox!

In some instances we just need to say NO and a punishment like in the example above is enough. Lesson learned.

However, in most instances we need to say so much more than just NO. We need to train the missing skill and no amount of vacuuming or fines will teach you all the skills you require in life. Like a child who cannot play nicely will not learn how to play better while sitting on the steps, or a teenager who can’t get out with his allowance will not get better at managing finances because we took away his devices.

Our toolbox for training our children should contain tools to improve communication; strategies to express feelings respectfully; pointers to set and adhere to boundaries and tips to manage time effectively, to name a few. And coaching this will require more words than just a simple ‘no.’

While there is some room for punishment in parenting, it cannot be our only tool. The question, “How should I punish my child?” is rarely the right question to ask. Rather ask: What skills do I need to train my child?

You have to roll up your sleeves and get to work.